5-PART IN-DEPTH ARTICLE SERIES ON ANXIETY | ARTICLE 3 - Anxiety & Fear: The Emotion Women Were Taught to Hide
- Dave Jones
- Jun 5
- 2 min read
Every negative emotion, including anxiety is rooted in fear – they are all fear responses. Every single emotion that causes pain is a fear response.
And guess what, nearly every one of us learns early in childhood to avoid fear, and that fear is weakness.”
Women were taught to hide fear, not understand it.
The Two Fears Inside Anxiety
Fear of not having control
Fear of disappointing others
These fears shape a good-hearted woman’s entire emotional landscape. From the earliest of years, those taught to be good developed an innate desire to continue to excel at being good, but by adulthood, the desire to excel at what they were already good at becomes self-diminishing and self-sacrificing – all for the sake of others and the expectations of others.
Analogy: The Two Locked Rooms
Imagine two locked rooms inside a woman’s mind.
In the first room is the fear: “If I choose myself, I’ll lose control of how others see me.”
In the second room is the fear: “If I disappoint someone, I’ll lose connection.”
She spends her life guarding both doors. Anxiety is the hallway between them.
My good-hearted female clients guard the first room because they unconsciously learn to feel that the judgment of others is paramount, in order to be accepted; when in fact, because of her goodness, anyone who doesn’t accept her is truly unworthy of her.
And she guards the second room, fearing disappointing others, without realizing that her own code ensures that she’s already good-hearted, and those disappointed by her have unfair expectations – otherwise, she’d already have those expectations of herself.
Why Fear Feels So Heavy
Because women were told:
“Don’t be afraid.”
“There’s nothing to be scared of.”
“Stop being dramatic.”
So, they learned to hide fear instead of heal it. But fear is not weakness; fear is information and is a signal.
Fear says:
“I don’t feel safe.”
“I don’t feel in control.”
“I’m afraid of the consequences.”
When fear is acknowledged, anxiety softens, and when fear is accepted, anxiety dissolves.
“Fear is like a paradox, kept hidden, it can control us completely; once acknowledged, it begins to lose all power.”
APACHE Lens
Awareness: Name the fear beneath the anxiety; what’s the disappointment we are avoiding.
Permission: Allow yourself to feel fear without shame; you are an adult good-hearted woman and you now have the right to set your own rules free from the expectations of others.
Acceptance: Accept that fear is human and is only a signal. When we listen to it and understand it, it can be our greatest ally.
Choice: Choose how to respond to fear; once acknowledged, it’s yours to treat how you want – as a signal or an ally.
Healing: Reclaim your right to feel.
Embodiment: Move through life with fear as a companion, not as your dictator.
“Fear is like a sword; used outward, it can slay dragons, but used inward, it can harm only one.”
You deserve to be the she you were meant to be.
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