5-PART IN-DEPTH ARTICLE SERIES ON ANXIETY | ARTICLE 2: The Origin of Anxiety: How “Shoulds” Shape a Woman’s Emotional World

Anxiety is the poison fed to good-hearted women

If anxiety is the tension between wants and “shoulds”, then we must ask:

Where did the “shoulds” come from?

The answer is simple:  We were taught them, we learned them by modeling, and we inherited them.

The word ‘should’ intimates the expectations that have been placed upon us by others… most of the time without our knowing it, and certainly without the knowledge of the lifelong impact, and definitely without any ability to stop it.

And unfortunately, good-hearted women experience the emotion more frequently than men.  Good-hearted men receive the “shoulds” but good-hearted women absorb expectations placed upon them much more in childhood because of so many roles placed upon them.  And it’s accomplished long before they have the ability to question those expectations.

Childhood: Where “Should” Begins

As children, we learn:

• “Be good.”

• “Don’t upset anyone.”

• “Don’t talk back.”

• “Don’t be dramatic.”

• “Don’t make people uncomfortable.”

Every one of these statements has the unspoken, parenthetical (“you should…, if you want to be accepted and acceptable”). These rules are taught, and we conform and develop survival strategies based on them - not emotional truths.

Some expectations are healthy: share, be kind, be respectful.  They provide a pathway for children to understand their world and how to be so that their world doesn’t reject them.  Safety is the most paramount condition every child seeks, and when expectations are placed upon them, they emotionally understand that non-compliance risks rejection and thus, the lack of safety.  So, we avoid any possibility of rejection with every fiber of our being in those early years. 

Expectations are necessary for children; they set boundaries that allow children to understand their safe zones.  Those provided with the intent to teach a child how to stay safe are beneficial.

But many expectations are not.  Unfortunately, sometimes those expectations were merely to placate unhealthy, selfish caretakers; sometimes to merely have peace or not be bothered.  And still other times, those expectations are communicated with the intent of the greatest benefit of protection from what those caretakers know the outside world will present – whether from sexism, racism, religious or cultural biases, or a perceived disability.  

Whatever the source of the expectations may be, whether healthy or not, children internalize them all with the same element of fear – to conform to be acceptable or be rejectable.  But when a child has these types of expectations, they often learn quickly that their safety depends on serving the needs of others or acting in such a manner that doesn’t offend others; whichever the case, the result often results in minimal senses of approvability and worth if the child focuses on self.

This is where the wounds can begin.

Analogy: The Hand-Me-Down Coat

Imagine a little girl who is handed a coat that belonged to her mother. It’s too big, too heavy, and not her style - but she’s told:

“This is what good girls wear.”

She wears it because she wants to be loved.  She wears it because she wants to belong and therefore not be rejected.  She wears it because she doesn’t know she has a choice, and, in fact, as a child, does not have a choice.

But by adulthood, the coat is suffocating her.  And she doesn’t realize she can take it off – because nobody told her she could.

That coat is the “should.”

Why Good-Hearted Women Carry the Heaviest Coats

Because you already consider others, you are already kind, you are already compassionate, you no longer need external rules to be good.  You need to truly accept and believe this.  And to drive the point home, since you are already kind, considerate, and compassionate, you will never intentionally harm another individual.  

Therefore, shoulds have absolutely no place in your life.  

“You should share”, we learned as children:  but - you already do as an adult because of compassion, and you will when you need to share, not when you

should.

“You should be kind,” but you already are as an adult because of your kindness, and you will always be.

But whether intentionally or unintentionally, so many of you were also raised to believe:

• your needs were secondary

• your desires were selfish

• your boundaries were disrespectful

• your emotions were inconvenient.

So, you learned to shrink.  And anxiety became the cost of compliance.  

Those earlier rules to which you needed to comply established your POOL rules – your Primary Occurrence Of Learning.  As an adult, you now have the right to create your new POOL rules – and you and only you are worthy of judgment as to who may conform to those new rules – because you already do!

The only compliance good-hearted women need to consider any longer is compliance with your own authentic and evolved self.

APACHE Lens

• Awareness: Identify whose voice the “should” belongs to.

• Permission: Give yourself permission to question those inherited rules.

• Acceptance: Accept that you are not obligated to meet old expectations and accept that the caretakers may have had the best intentions with those rules, but they are no longer needed by you.

• Choice: Choose based on your values, no longer anyone else’s.

• Healing: Release the guilt tied to leaving those old rules behind you – they served you well then to allow you to be the least rejectable.  However, now you get to decide who is rejectable based on their conformity to your new rules for your circle.

• Embodiment: Live anew from your own internal guidance, not previous or current external pressure.

And as a good-hearted woman, anyone who does not accept the empowered and new you is truly giving you the gift of letting you know that they are not worthy of you. 

No longer do you need to conform to any rule that causes anxiety.

See more in Part 3 of a 5 Part Series.