THE TRUTH ABOUT DESERVING

Why Good-Hearted People Must Rewrite Their Entire Relationship With the Concept of “Deserve.”

Perhaps some of you can relate to the following experience of thinking the universe has it “out for you”, like I did when this happened: I’m sitting in the waiting room for a doctor’s appointment, and I’m playing a game of poker on my phone. It’s a great time-killer I enjoy, and I’m currently on a run of winning 5 million imaginary dollars. As I’m playing, I’m starting to wonder, “When are my cards going to start being bad?” I’m playing, but there is this almost subliminal nagging at the back of my mind saying, “This can’t continue. You’re going to start losing again – … because you always do.”

And then it hit me – even though I work with many personal discovery and development clients to help them eliminate the unconscious belief systems they’ve developed over the years that create or reinforce low expectations, often leading to self-sabotage, I was doing the same thing!

Exactly why couldn’t my luck continue in the game? For the same reason I teach my clients – it’s not a question of whether the luck will continue; the issue is that I’m expecting it not to continue because inherently I don’t believe there is a source or cause in my mind that would justify obtaining it.

In other words – because I unconsciously didn’t feel there was a reason for me to deserve it.

There is a quiet, corrosive belief that lives inside many good-hearted people - a belief so subtle and so deeply conditioned that most never question it because it sits within us as a constant; much like the unconscious presumption that there will be enough air for us to take our next breath.

It shows up in the moments when something good happens, and we immediately wait for it to be taken away. It shows up when we sabotage opportunities, shrink our voice, or convince ourselves that the joy is temporary and success is accidental. It shows up when we say “it’s fine” even when it isn’t, or when we accept crumbs because we’ve been unconsciously taught that crumbs are safer than abundance and that abundance must be justified with worth or value.

The belief is simple, devastating, and seemingly universal:

“I don’t deserve it.” or “Do I deserve it?”

Good-hearted people rarely say it out loud, and though the thought might creep into our conscious mind, the real damage and the underlying belief are entirely built and maintained within our unconscious emotional mind. And good-hearted women suffer from it even more than men - unfortunately, because we’ve been conditioned.

But we live by it. We organize our emotional lives around it. We make decisions through it. We build relationships under it. We tolerate mistreatment because of it. We shrink our potential to match it.

And the tragedy is this:

The concept of “deserving” was never ours to begin with. It was:

· Taught to us

· Conditioned into us

· Inherited by us

· And weaponized against us.

And if you’re unsure if you are good-hearted, you probably are. If you are kind, considerate, conscientious, and compassionate toward others - you are good-hearted, whether you feel you are or not, you ARE.

Where the Concept of “Deserve” Comes From

Most people assume “deserving” is a moral truth - a universal standard of who should receive what. Intellectually, we know this is not the case, and consciously we know it is not the case. But the reality is far more complicated.

The idea of deserve is not universal. It is cultural, familial, religious, environmental, and emotional – and it is all learned.

It is shaped by:

• the home we grew up in

• the emotional rules we absorbed

• the belief systems we inherited

• the consequences we were taught to fear

• the approval we were conditioned to chase

• the punishments we learned to avoid.

In my APACHE terms, deserve is a conditioned concept and emotional rule - not a truth.

It is a rule our unconscious emotional mind (UEM) learned long before we had the ability to question it.

Good-hearted people learn the harshest version of “deserve.”

Why?

Because we were raised and taught, directly or indirectly, to believe:

• goodness should be a “given”, a baseline, and to have any negative human emotions is bad

• acceptance must be earned by conformity

• joy must be balanced with suffering

• needs must be minimized

• boundaries are for others

• self-worth is determined and bestowed by others.

Good-hearted people and especially good-hearted women are taught to be grateful for whatever they get, even if it’s the bare minimum. We are taught to feel guilty for wanting more. We are taught to believe that comfort, ease, and abundance are luxuries reserved for other people.

This is not truth - it is conditioning, and whether it is intentionally taught or not, this is what good-hearted people learn.

How “Deserve” Becomes an Emotional Weapon

The UEM does not care about happiness - it only cares about survival; and it knows it can survive anything we have previously experienced.

So, when a child learns that approval, safety, or belonging are tied to behavior, the UEM forms emotional rules. In my coaching, I call these the POOL rules – the Primary Occurrence Of Learning - the rules we learned to stay safe in our environment. So often, good-hearted people develop these POOL rules:

• “If I’m good, I am given good things.”

• “If I make a mistake, I deserve punishment.”

• “If I upset someone, I deserve consequences.”

• “If I have needs, I deserve disappointment.”

• “If I want more, I deserve guilt.”

Please note that even when good, that child learns that what they receive is a gift from others as a result of being good and then earns the reward. The logical result of complying with these rules means we must be perfect merely to receive and hopefully deserve – based on the determination of others.

These rules become the emotional blueprint for adulthood and will stay with us unless we choose to develop new ones.

This is why good-hearted people so often sabotage themselves.

Not because they are weak. Not because they lack confidence. Not because they don’t want good things.

But because their emotional rules say:

“Good things are earned and rewarded by others. Good things that we can’t justify are temporary. Good things earned require perfection.”

So, when something good happens, the UEM panics; it knows we weren’t perfect – therefore, whatever good has occurred, something will come right behind to balance out the good. All in an effort to remain familiar with the beliefs it learned and to stay true to the beliefs it created to stay ”safe”.

It activates the POOL Rules:

• “This won’t last.”

• “Something bad is coming.”

• “I’m not doing enough to deserve this.”

• “I should shrink before this gets taken away.”

The UEM is not punishing you. It is merely still protecting you from a threat that no longer exists.

But the emotional rule remains:

“I don’t deserve it.”

Why Good-Hearted Women Struggle With Deserving More Than Others

Good-hearted women are uniquely vulnerable to distorted beliefs about deserving because they:

• feel deeply

• care intensely

• take responsibility for others

• internalize guilt

• avoid causing harm

• prioritize harmony

• absorb emotional tension

• minimize their own needs

They are the emotional leaders of their families, relationships, and communities — often without recognition or support.

And because they are so good, so giving, and so conscientious, they are the ones most likely to believe:

“If something goes wrong, it must be my fault,” or "If something goes right, it must be luck.”

This is not humility. This is emotional conditioning.

Good-hearted women do not struggle with a sense of not deserving because they lack worth. They struggle because they were never taught that their worth is inherent.

The Emotional Cost of Believing You Don’t Deserve

When good-hearted people unconsciously believe they don’t deserve good things, they:

• choose partners who take more than they give

• tolerate disrespect

• avoid opportunities

• downplay their talents

• silence their needs

• overfunction in relationships

• under-receive love

• accept crumbs

• stay small

• apologize for existing

They live in emotional debt - constantly trying to earn what should be freely theirs.

And the world loses something extraordinary every time a good-hearted woman shrinks herself to match a belief they never chose – a rule created to protect a child many years ago, in a different lifetime.

Rewriting the Concept of “Deserve” Using APACHE

To break the emotional pattern of undeserving, we must rewrite the emotional rule.

Old Rule: “I only deserve good things if I earn them.”

New Rule: “I deserve good things because I exist.”

Old Rule: “My worth is conditional.”

New Rule: “My worth is inherent.”

Old Rule: “I must be perfect to deserve love.”

New Rule: “I deserve love because I am human.”

Old Rule: “Good things will be taken away.”

New Rule: “I am allowed to receive and keep what nourishes me.”

These new rules must be repeated, embodied and reinforced - but we must understand and embrace the reasons those beliefs existed originally. Our UEM will not release any concept or belief unless we provide a reason for its existence and explain why it is no longer an ally of safety. It is only when the UEM understands this that we can present new POOL rules for it to embrace and endorse. This is one of many reasons having a Personal Discovery Coach help with this transition is so beneficial – we often need a guide to help us bypass the protections the UEM holds preventing new beliefs.

Boundaries: The Practical Expression of Deserving

Boundaries are not walls. They are proof that you believe you deserve:

• respect

• safety

• time

• rest

• honesty

• reciprocity

• emotional peace

Good-hearted women often struggle the most with boundaries because boundaries require a belief in inherent worth, and we’ve lived through generations of cultural and societal messaging that continue to imply women do not have it.

We cannot set a boundary if we believe we must earn the right to have one.

We cannot enforce a boundary if we believe others’ comfort matters more than our wellbeing. We cannot maintain a boundary if we believe our needs are negotiable.

Boundaries are the behavioral expression of the emotional truth:

“I deserve to be treated well.”

The New Definition of Deserving for Good-Hearted People

Old thought patterns will still creep into our empowered minds as we continue on the path of personal development and self-awareness – it’s inevitable. But I teach my good-hearted women clients that when it happens, we must test our unconscious emotional mind with a little mental trick. Since in those moments when we feel that sense of lack of deserving coming back, we must ask ourselves the following:

“I know, currently, and for whatever reason, I unconsciously feel I don’t deserve.”

This acknowledges the feeling and prevents us from hiding from it. But then the “trick” is to ask ourselves (engaging the unconscious emotional mind):

“Please reveal to me exactly why I don’t deserve it.”

It may seem somewhat silly to some of you reading this, but trust me – it works.

And let me explain briefly why it works, so all of you will begin using this method.

If you embrace the reality that our sense of “deserving” is internal and developed based on all of the elements I’ve written here – and not due to some cosmic or universal assessment of our value, then you will have to accept this truth:

The entire reason the UEM of good-hearted people developed their concept of what they deserve is that the UEM seeks safety for us – it is not to intentionally diminish our conscious value. Therefore, when we ask that question of ourselves, our UEM is not going to provide an answer because the question does not trigger any comparison of worth – the question merely engages our conscious emotional mind and our intellectual brain to provide the answer, which will always be:

“There is NO logical reason we can supply that supports the sentiment that I do NOT deserve it.”

And while that previous statement contains double-negatives that would make my father cringe, it does provide the needed answer; and the answer now has been communicated to our conscious emotional mind, our unconscious emotional mind, as well as our intellectual brain. With all 3 parts of us on the same page, we can emphatically proclaim:

“My ability to succeed at this matter has absolutely nothing to do with my sense of worth and has everything to do with my aptitude and desire.”

Trust me, folks – it works.

Following all of these concepts of new awareness, here are the truths we good-hearted people must adopt because you are already good:

• Deserving is not a reward, and it’s not a measurement.

• There is no outside observer keeping score and determining what we deserve – WE are the observer of our own Code; and for those who insert God as the observer, God already knows you are good-hearted.

• For good-hearted people, deserving is not a moral scorecard, nor is deserving “earned”.

• Deserving is not conditional.

Being a good-hearted person dictates all the deserving you need; all the good you bring to the world is because you are good-hearted.

Your deeds do not determine your goodness; your goodness determines your deeds.

Deserving is inherent – because you are already a good-hearted person.

You absolutely deserve:

• rest

• joy

• love

• respect

• safety

• abundance

• peace

• connection

• opportunity

• support

• healing

• success

Not because you are perfect, you aren’t - you are perfectly imperfect and you

already know this.

Not because you are selfless; Selfless is no longer an attribute because that is the benefiting of someone else at the expense and detriment to you; healthy selfishness is now your aim. Not because you are strong; You were already strong in all the ways that matter. Not because you have suffered; You’ve suffered when you needn’t have. Not because you have earned it; Being the good-hearted person you are, was always enough.

And btw, healthy selfishness is:

• where you benefit yourself by the benefit of others or at least after considering others

• benefiting self so that you can benefit others (think of how better a parent, friend, partner you are when you apply self-care)

Remember: Good-hearted people can NEVER intentionally harm others.

The Final Shift: Becoming the Author of Your Worth

Good-hearted people and especially good-hearted women must reclaim the authority to define what they deserve.

Not society. Not religion. Not family. Not culture. Not trauma. Not fear. Not guilt. Not emotional inheritance.

You and ONLY you.

You decide what you deserve. You decide what you allow. You decide what you receive. You decide what you keep. You decide what you walk away from. You decide what you build. You decide what you become.

The moment you rewrite your new emotional POOL rules around deserving is the moment your entire life begins to shift. Good-hearted people were never meant to live in emotional debt.

You were meant to live in emotional abundance.

And the world needs good-hearted women who know they deserve good things - not because they’ve earned them, but because they are finally willing to receive them.

By David Jones,

Founder, Captive Coaching and Empowerment