Why do we not know what we truly want? Why are we programmed to “do” instead of “consider?”

Years ago, a popular comedian—probably George Carlin, though I might be mistaken—joked with his audience, “Do you know why adults always ask kids what they want to be when they grow up? It’s because they’re looking for ideas!”

That question and answer always got a laugh, but it also made me think. I don’t remember exactly when I first heard it, but after laughing, I realized there’s some truth in that joke. Adults aren’t really asking kids for options; maybe many of us don’t truly know what we want ourselves.  Maybe it’s because many of us never ask ourselves the big question:  “What do I really want?”

I’ve noticed over the years with coaching clients that this is a commonly disregarded question. In performance coaching, athletes or executives typically know what they want—they aim to excel, achieve their goals, or succeed in their business endeavors. But in personal development coaching, people often come to me in pain—after a breakup, loss, or struggling with self-worth. They usually don’t know what they want; they just know what they don’t want, which is often emotional pain.  It is very common for me to see that so many don’t consider what they want until they experience pain they want to escape. I was recently asked why that is.

From my experience and my understanding of human nature, I think most people aren’t truly happy. They might convince themselves they are because everyone wants to be happy, but when asked what makes them happy, many struggle to answer.

So, will meeting the desires or wants make someone happy?  After all, what is a want? Isn’t it a desire for the future, something we hope to achieve? Achieving that desire is success—a favorable or desired outcome–at least that’s Merriam-Webster's dictionary definition.

Many believe that if they do what wealthy people do and have what wealthy people have, they’ll be happy. In my hometown, the lawyer and doctor had the nicest homes, so we thought wealth meant happiness. We believed that if money didn’t make you happy, you must be doing something wrong.  I’m pretty sure many of you can relate to this in your childhood town or neighborhoods, whether you lived in a big house or a normal one.

We now know money doesn’t guarantee happiness; in fact, most of us realize that sometimes money can even create unhappiness.  Most of us also realize that success is relative and doesn’t always mean prosperity or happiness, but how do we make heads or tails of what we want? What does it mean to be happy or successful?

If money and success don’t define happiness, how do we know what we really want? Usually, what people want falls into two categories: removing pain or gaining pleasure. Often, what we seek as pleasure is just the opposite of the pain we want to avoid.

For example, someone who grew up in a household that had little money might want financial freedom to avoid the stress they saw their parents have in childhood, or they may want to have the ability to buy the things they only dreamed of having in childhood. Often, it’s both—wanting to be free of pain and to gain pleasure.

Our wants are usually shaped by our upbringing, family, and surroundings. But some people discover that what truly fulfills them is entirely independent of their past. They find their authentic purpose, driven by an internal mission rather than impacted by the pain or pleasure from their childhood.

My life hasn’t been stress-free or easy. As a child, I didn’t fit in. I had a scar on my head that made me stand out even more than the color of my skin. But I had loving parents who always told me I could achieve anything I wanted. Back then, I thought they were either blind or naive because the world around me seemed eager to tell me, “No, you can’t.” So, while I knew my parents loved me, I quickly realized I couldn’t rely on them for an accurate view of reality.

Like many kids, I had to figure things out on my own, and I wasn’t very good at it for a long time. When you realize early on that you don’t fit in, you often try to please others just to be accepted, putting your own desires aside. Being accepted is a powerful need for most kids, but it doesn’t lead to independence. Instead, we start chasing dreams that belong to others, hoping to earn their admiration and respect.

We all know those early dreams change—firefighter, pro baseball player, doctor, lawyer. Mostly, those dreams come from what we see around us and the respect those roles seem to command.

One moment changed everything for me. After leaving my first college because I didn’t fit in (though I didn’t admit it to myself then), I got a bank teller job. One morning, driving to work and listening to a Billy Joel album, a song called “Everybody Has a Dream” played. By the end, I was in tears. For the first time, I realized I didn’t have a dream. That scared me. I knew I didn’t belong anywhere, but this was different—I truly had no dream. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I had to do something, even if it was the wrong thing. I walked into the bank that morning, gave my two weeks’ notice, and had no clue what I wanted, only that I didn’t want my current life.

That was the start of my search for what I really wanted and what "want" even meant to me.

That search sent me down the path I’m now on, where I help people determine what they truly want for themselves, for their lives, and for their relationships. I help them determine what they want after removing the influences and factors that had previously impacted their lives.  Because we often seek in our wants that which was presented to us by others as what we ”should” do or who we “should” be, this is so very common that most of us don’t realize the dramatic effect it has on our entire lifetime until evaluated, discovered, and eliminated, which reveals our inner true workings of desires and wants.

It’s almost magical when my clients find their inner strength or purpose, especially when they didn’t believe they had one prior. Their desires become clear, and they discover the person they were always meant to be. I’m grateful to help them reach that point and am always humbled to have the gift to help them achieve it.  It’s a powerful thing to witness when a person transforms into an individual who truly understands, believes, and has faith in themselves.

Unfortunately, most people haven’t yet had their authentic inner self revealed because we are still unconsciously operating with the belief that our wants or our concepts of success are truly ours and not those based on our history, experience, and our environment. 

Since our wants can come from external influences or internal purposes, there are two types of success: relative success and independent success.  Knowing which success you seek is crucial. Sometimes we deny how much our external influences shape our desires, but ignoring that doesn’t change their impact. Or we believe our drive is purely internal without the emotion to back it up.

If we convince ourselves our drive is purely internal, and it’s not, we lose the energy connection to the pride and satisfaction of achievement. We chase goals because we think we should, moving the goalposts without feeling fulfilled.

If your success means having a Mercedes-Benz in order to be seen as wealthy, own that desire; you may not be happy that materialism is your motive, but if you don’t embrace your truth, you will not reach your potential. Don’t pretend you have a higher purpose if you don’t, because that conflict will drain your energy and provide an internal emotional conflict of strife and an unending need to push on, without having an end goal to know when you’ve achieved.

If your purpose is independent and internal, own that too. You might not be seen as successful by others, but your own definition of success is what matters, and your authenticity is infectious to others with a similar mission focus, which will be paramount to the purpose you seek to fulfill.

Both types of success can bring prosperity if you’re authentic, but without a clear mission and acceptance of your motives or aspirations, you won’t have the energy to reach your potential. But with aligned purpose, your drive will be self-sustaining, making success almost inevitable—though skill and ability are still going to be needed.

Dave Jones

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If you would like to take a deep dive and discover which success you chase, take our online course titled "The Two Successes."