Why We Do What We Do

I was once asked by someone, “Why do people do what they do?” I thought he was joking, so to double-check my assessment, I replied, “Are you serious?” He assured me he was. My only response was, “How much time do you have?”

It wasn’t the first time I’d been asked a question like that—not by a long shot. But it may have been the first time someone asked it with such sweeping sincerity, expecting a simple, solid, authentic answer to something that touches every corner of human behavior.

As an expert on human nature and a Personal Development and Discovery Coach, I’m used to fielding questions born of curiosity. At parties, on the golf course, in passing conversations, people may ask why someone behaved a certain way. Sometimes they’re trying to understand another person; other times, they’re trying to understand themselves. But this time was different. I could feel that the gentleman wasn’t looking for gossip or validation. He was reaching for something deeper. As an intuitive empath, I could sense he genuinely wanted to understand his world in a more meaningful way, as though he was genuinely trying to understand the architecture of human motivation.

So, I paused and thought.

I mentally sifted through the elements I teach in my workshops and with clients: belief systems, cognitive dissonance, childhood-formed coping and defense mechanisms, and trauma-induced avoidance. I considered the emotional drivers—fear, shame, guilt, joy. I thought about the countless causes, both personal and observed, that lead people to react based on anticipated pain.

And then it hit me. I was writing a book about this very thing, and the working subtitle was Why We Do What We Do. I gave him the simplest answer possible—simple, but not simplistic at all- and the basis of Chapter 1 of my book.

I repeated his question: “Why do people do what they do?”
Then I said, “Because they want to.”

He didn’t scoff. He didn’t roll his eyes. He understood immediately that the simplicity of the answer didn’t diminish its depth.
“You’re not kidding, are you?”

“Not in the slightest.” Because at the core of every action is a want. But the origins of that want—the forces that shape it—are vast, layered, and often invisible to us.

He asked me to explain, so I shared what I tell every client in their first session: every action, reaction, or decision we make is driven by one of two motives—the seeking of pleasure or the avoidance of pain. He thought that sounded simple, and I agreed it sounds simple. But I continued by pointing out that the pain we seek to avoid isn’t always consciously known. The pleasure we seek isn’t always consciously known either. In fact, in most cases, the pain or pleasure we’re driven by is formed unconsciously. Most of our wants are formed long before we become aware of them and even longer before we ever examine them.

Only through self-discovery do we become conscious of what was once unconscious.

He seemed to be swimming a bit mentally, trying to keep up, so I continued. I had his attention—and I love it when someone is genuinely interested enough to ask these questions.

“And if you really want to stretch your mind in contortions,” I said, “consider this: If we’re driven by forces that are not known consciously, do we truly have free will before we become aware of them?”

That’s usually the point where people go blank, change the subject, or meander away to find a conversation of less depth. But fifteen minutes later, he returned and said, “I get it.”
And in some ways, I think he did.

The empowerment that comes when someone gets it is profound. I get goosebumps every time I feel the authenticity of someone’s truth becoming conscious. Most people never discover their authentic self—and it’s not their fault. It’s not even a rejection of opportunity. It’s simply that, as humans, we learn early in childhood exactly what to do, believe, and become in order to be accepted. We learn how to behave to be accepted, and ultimately, who to be to be accepted.

But until we embark on the path of personal discovery, we never truly understand the elements of our history that shaped the identity we’ve carried—an identity that defined who, what, and why we were supposed to be; we live out the identity shaped by history rather than choice. For the most part, this conditioned normality isn’t harmful, but for millions of people, the continuation of living an adult life based on the emotional identity, emotional rules, and emotional roles we created at the ages of 2-8 does not provide a sufficient and safety-filled existence.

This evolution of the individual and their conditioned identity shows up in four broad groups of people. These groups are defined by their wants and desires – whether consciously or not:

1. The unaware self-interested.
This seems to be the majority. These are people who seek to benefit themselves without regard or consideration of others. They are not intending harm to others. It’s not that their actions never cause harm; it’s that they rarely consider their impact. Generally, this group will change course if they learn their actions cause harm, but it usually requires someone else pointing it out.

2. The intentionally harmful.
A small but loud group who benefit self by harming others. These are the truly destructive, even evil, depending on one’s definition. They feel good only when they’ve caused pain, whether individually or collectively. And many of them don’t recognize themselves in this description, but their behavior reveals the truth.

3. The identity-borrowers.
Those who seek belonging by absorbing the identity of a group. They lack, or never developed, a stable sense of self—often because their upbringing didn’t allow them to feel authority within themselves. Some in this group are self-sacrificing and good-hearted; others adopt harmful beliefs or behaviors simply to maintain acceptance.

4. The self-aware contributors.
Those who benefit themselves by benefitting others—or at least by considering how their desires impact others. This group balances self-value with humanity.
This fourth group is the one we need to thrive. They are the only ones who understand both the value of the self and the responsibility we hold toward others.

The answer I provided was simple, but as you can tell, anything but simplistic. If the content of this article were represented by the trunk of a large oak tree, the number of roots and branches that are offspring of these tenets is truly limitless. The conditions, circumstances, and interpretations all human beings experience during their formative years are limitless as well; once introducing the additional elements of parental motivations toward their children, the limitlessness becomes exponential.

The end result of this Human Condition is determined solely by the willingness and desire to explore one’s own existence – something that few do until there is emotional pain experienced at a level they no longer feel they can withstand without assistance, which is the condition that exists when the majority of my clients find me.

So, the next time someone asks, “Why do people do what they do?” you’ll not only have an answer—you’ll know something about the person asking. Because only those in the third or fourth group genuinely want to understand. The first two groups don’t care enough to ask.

-Dave Jones