Understanding Emotions- Within Ourselves and Others

I speak a lot about emotions, whether to a client in a session, in a workshop, or with a golfer on the putting green. I wouldn’t say it’s all I talk about, but it surely comes near the top of the topics I discuss.

And after all, why wouldn’t it? I mean, emotions are at the heart of every single action we take, every reaction we make, and every relationship we forsake. By and large, emotions are riddled throughout everything we are as human beings, and they are responsible for absolutely everything good that has ever been accomplished by Man, and have been responsible for absolutely every single horrific event Man has caused. They aren’t merely responsible for the effects of Man, on the lower-level basis of humanity; they are responsible for everything each of us individually does.

It is at this point that I challenge every new coaching client to play “devil’s advocate” and attempt to disprove my proposition. Many attempt to fulfill my challenge, but at the end of the experience, each of them understands that at the core of every action or reaction is a decision, and at the core of every decision is an emotion.

That challenge is usually a very good starting point for my clients to realize that I am extremely serious about my desire to help them achieve their goals as quickly as possible in our coaching sessions. My ability to prove my point very quickly within that first session allows me to grab and hold their attention because I’ve immediately proven wrong what most of us have been taught all of our lives. And what is that you ask?

That logic dictates the world of intelligent people, and those controlled by emotions are weak and vulnerable.

For the vast majority of people, this is what we’ve learned and were taught, and it is why I try to disturb the existing belief system of that new client right away, so that they will understand that there are truths we’ve not known and there are mistruths we’ve all been taught – and they affect us all daily.

In case you can’t tell from my other writings, I’m a huge fan of emotions. They are fantastic; they effectively describe the entire Human Condition. I submit that without emotions, we would be unable to discern our existence, because we would merely be.

I bristle when I hear someone allude to some conclusion that emotions are illogical, and I scoff when I hear someone claim to be so very logical. Guys commonly make these claims. Women tend to stay away from such claims, but considering that entire generations believe and have been taught that women cannot be relied upon for serious things because they are too emotional, it’s no wonder they often also have difficulty embracing the concept that emotions are magnificent.

To me, one of the many wonderful things about emotions is that they are the best diagnostic tool – if we examine them. Unfortunately, most of us tend to merely use emotions to describe moods, those of ours and those of others. We use them to assign value: If someone is rude to us, we presume they consider we have little value to them; similarly, if we make someone happy with a present we’ve selected, we determine we’ve increased our value in their eyes. We can use emotions to create debt – if we do for someone else, they often feel indebted to us, regardless of whether our intentions are wholesome or manipulative.

My point is that by and large, emotions are considered either descriptors of moods or tools used by us to affect a result or outcome in another.

But relatively seldom do we use emotions for what they can really do – help understand ourselves and others.

Consider, for a moment, the enormity of that concept. We all know that the majority of people tend to hide who they really are from others in their world. If you don’t believe me, take this test:

Ask your spouse or a close loved one, “What subject matter about me or with me that you avoid so that I don’t get angry, sad, or bothered in some way?”
Their answer will reveal the topics you don’t enjoy, and when pressed for the most sensitive of subjects they avoid, you will be confronted with them.

I use this test at times when people challenge the concept – our loved ones know way more about us than we’d like to believe. So much so that they know our triggers – and collectively, we all try to hide our triggers from everyone.

This is why understanding emotions, our own and those of others, is not just helpful, it’s essential. Emotions are not random, and they are not weaknesses. They are not inconveniences to be managed or suppressed - they are signals. They are data. They are the internal language of our lived experience, constantly trying to tell us something about our needs, our fears, our values, and our wounds.

When we ignore emotions, we don’t become stronger—we become blind.
When we suppress emotions, we don’t become more logical—we become more reactive.
When we deny emotions, we don’t become more stable—we become more unpredictable.

And the same is true for the people around us.

If we want to understand others, we must understand the emotional logic behind their behavior. Every person you encounter - your spouse, your child, your coworker, the stranger in traffic - has an emotional history that shapes how they interpret the world. Their reactions are not about you; they are about the emotional norms and expectations they developed long before you ever entered their life.

This is why emotional understanding is not just a personal skill - it’s a relational one.
It’s the foundation of empathy, communication, conflict resolution, leadership, and love.

When we learn to read emotions - not just the surface-level expressions, but the deeper patterns - we begin to see people more clearly. We begin to understand why they shut down, why they lash out, why they avoid, why they cling, why they numb, why they overthink, why they withdraw, why they explode, why they apologize too much, or why they never apologize at all.

Every behavior has an emotional root.
Every reaction has an emotional origin.
And every person has an emotional story.

And when we understand that, everything changes.

And do you know what happens when we achieve this ability?

We stop taking things so personally
We stop assuming the worst
We stop reacting from our own wounds
We stop expecting others to behave according to our emotional rules
We start seeing the human being behind the behavior.

This is the real power of emotional understanding: it gives us the ability to respond instead of react.

When we understand our own emotions, we gain self-awareness.
When we understand others’ emotions, we gain compassion.
When we understand both, we gain wisdom.
And wisdom is what allows us to navigate relationships, challenges and life itself with clarity and steadiness.

So, the next time you feel an emotion rise within you: frustration, sadness, irritation, anger, guilt, shame, joy, excitement - pause for a moment. Instead of judging it or pushing it away, ask yourself:
What is this emotion trying to tell me?
What need is underneath it?
What belief is it connected to?
Is this emotion from the present moment, or is it echoing something from my past?

And when someone else reacts emotionally, instead of assuming they’re being dramatic, irrational, or difficult, consider:
What might this emotion be protecting?
What fear or wound might this reaction be based on?
What emotional history might be shaping this moment?

This doesn’t excuse harmful behavior, but it does explain it - and understanding is the first step toward change.

In the end, emotions are not the enemy. They are the guide; they are the compass. They are the internal navigation system that, when understood, can lead us toward healthier relationships, deeper self-awareness, and a more grounded, intentional life.

Understanding emotions—our own and those of others—is not just a skill.

It is a responsibility.
It is a gift.

And it is one of the most powerful tools we have for becoming the people we were meant to be.

-Dave Jones