Understanding and Conquering the Impact of “Baggage” in Life and Relationships

When I begin working with a new coaching client, there’s one thing I address almost immediately: I have a strong dislike for vague “labels.” I avoid them whenever possible because they tend to confuse more than they clarify. My goal is always to help clients grow quickly and effectively, and unclear terminology slows that process down.

When I say “labels,” I’m referring to the words we use constantly and casually—terms that everyone recognizes but few define the same way. These words are used so generically that their meanings drift from person to person. To prevent that confusion, I often create new terminology within my coaching so my clients and I share precise definitions.

But there is one label I do use freely: baggage.

Why? Because unlike most labels, “baggage” is universally understood. It’s one of the most commonly used words in conversations about relationships and personal growth, and nearly everyone knows what it implies.

So, for the sake of clarity, here’s the definition I use:

Baggage (noun):
A collection of emotional experiences—often painful or confusing—that shaped a person’s emotional development and continue to influence their behavior, reactions, and relationships until they are acknowledged, understood, and resolved.

Not exactly Merriam‑Webster, but it gets the job done.

No one enjoys having baggage. And the people around us don’t enjoy dealing with it either. When baggage shows up in a relationship, it affects everyone involved.

But before we can conquer the impact of baggage, we must understand what created it in the first place. That requires a basic understanding of how our emotional system works. What follows is not a textbook explanation, but a simple, accurate model that applies to every one of us.

The Two Parts of Your Emotional System:

In my coaching, I refer to two components of our emotionality:
1. The Conscious Emotional Mind (CEM)
2. The Unconscious Emotional Mind (UEM)

These two parts are connected, but they function very differently.

The Conscious Emotional Mind (CEM):
This is your awake, aware self. It’s where you feel your emotions and experience your thoughts. It’s the part of you that says, “I’m angry,” “I’m hurt,” or “I’m overwhelmed.”

The Unconscious Emotional Mind (UEM):
This is where your emotions originate. It’s the emotional operating system that determines how you interpret the world long before your conscious mind becomes aware of it.

Think of the UEM like the operating system of a computer.
If the operating system is corrupted, outdated, or infected with a virus, the software running on top of it won’t function properly. It becomes unpredictable, unstable, or inconsistent.

Our emotional system works the same way.

When we understand that the UEM forms the foundation for how we interpret everything, we can finally grasp how childhood experiences shape our emotional “operating system.”


How Childhood Shapes the Operating System:

Imagine a child who is constantly ridiculed.

If their UEM resists the ridicule, the “output” might be arrogance, defensiveness, or rebellion.
If their UEM accepts the ridicule as truth, the output might be low self‑worth, self‑criticism, or chronic insecurity.

This is only one example, but it illustrates the point:
What the UEM experiences during development determines how the CEM reacts in adulthood.

If a child’s worth is consistently validated, we expect a well‑rounded adult.
If a child’s worth is consistently diminished, we can understand how they might grow into an adult who feels inferior, angry, or perpetually on guard.
If a child’s worth is consistently over-validated, we can understand how they might grow into an adult who is arrogant, boastful and prideful and who feels superior to others.

And here’s the ironic twist:
We tend to seek out relationships and environments that match the emotional “truths” created by our baggage.

Why?

Because the UEM prefers what is familiar—even if it’s painful.

If the UEM has survived something once, it assumes it can survive it again.

This is why humans gravitate toward what they know, not necessarily what is healthy.


How Baggage Shows Up in Relationships:

Most people eventually become aware that they have baggage.
But instead of addressing it, we often expect others to work around it—like asking someone to navigate a living room full of suitcases without tripping.

The more baggage we have, the more we expect others to tiptoe around it.

This is where the real problems begin:
- We avoid acknowledging our baggage.
- When we can’t avoid it anymore, we expect others to accommodate it.
- We forget that they have baggage too.
- We spend enormous energy hiding our baggage from ourselves and others.
- We become experts at spotting baggage in others but are blind to our own.

Understanding how baggage forms is the first step.
Understanding how to conquer it is the transformation.


The Truth About Baggage: It Was Once Perfect

I teach all my clients one foundational truth:
The parts of you that you now call “baggage” were once the most perfect coping and defense mechanisms you could have created.

They protected you.
They helped you survive.
They allowed you to navigate an environment you didn’t choose.

Without those mechanisms, you would have experienced far more emotional turmoil—if you survived at all.

So, we must embrace two truths:
1. What created your baggage was necessary and perfect at the time.
2. Having baggage doesn’t make you broken—it makes you human.

When we accept these truths, we can finally begin the real work.


Rewriting the Operating System:

Once we understand why our coping mechanisms formed, we gain the insight needed to teach the UEM new beliefs—beliefs that reflect our current reality, not our childhood environment.

This is the process of:
- opening the baggage
- examining what’s inside
- cleaning out what no longer serves us
- and putting everything back neatly, intentionally, and with clarity

This is how we reorganize our emotional “closet” so that nothing is left stuffed away, leaking into our relationships, or tripping us up.

Our emotional system is extremely adept at hiding, and it's nearly impossible to do this work on our own because of that fact; so working with a skilled Personal Development Coach can guide you through this process, helping you understand your baggage, rewrite your emotional operating system, and step into a life where you are no longer controlled by the past.


How to Choose the Personal Development Coach for YOU

The Personal Development Coach that will work best for you should:

This is the process of:
- provide you with a complimentary 15–30-minute call so that you can determine the level of comfort
- have the desire to help you grow, and quickly; you don’t want to be working with a person for years, and with a great Coach, you won’t
- provide you with testimonials – this one element is huge; confidentiality is key in personal development coaching, so if people are willing to provide testimonials (especially video testimonials), consider those powerful recommendations

As you are having the conversation with the Coach, you should:

1. immediately sense your feelings matter to them
2. feel you are being listened to at all times
3. feel safe and willing to reveal your vulnerability with that person

Trust your instincts about all of these – if you are not 100% certain that they are there to help you grow, move on in your selection process.

-Dave Jones