The Silent Struggles Women Are Told Are “Normal”

Introduction: The Things Women Carry That No One Talks About

There is a weight women carry every day, and it isn’t measured by a scale or a belt size — it’s the weight that has burdened our entire society, inequality of pressure and presumption. These pressures are not normal – or at least shouldn’t be considered as such because women aren’t born with them – but they seem to be inevitable within our society and within our environment.

But they don’t have to be considered inevitable.

I’m referencing the inherited expectations that have been shaped by generations of conditioning, cultural narratives and the emotional rules women and men were taught in their earliest POOL (Primary Occurrence Of Learning).

As a man who has spent years coaching, listening to, and learning from good-hearted women — and as someone who has watched the women in my own life struggle under expectations they never agreed to — I can say with absolute clarity:

Women are carrying emotional, physical, and psychological burdens that society has mislabeled as “normal.”
It is possible that the label is accurate, and it is and has become all normal, if that is the case – shame on us all.

It has been pointed out to me on several occasions that it is apparently odd for women to come to me as a man for personal development and discovery coaching, but I always take those occasions to point out that I’ve been told I have a unique way of presenting information. It’s not from a man’s perspective, and it’s not that I’m teaching my female clients what they should do or feel or live – thus my lack of love for the term life-coach.

But the point of perspective I believe matters for my clients is that I present information in such a way to teach all of my clients exactly how humans think, feel, and emotionally evolve, whether they are men or women. It is not coincidental that it is women who seek this knowledge in much greater numbers than men.
And it is because I have had countless women as coaching clients and being an intuitive empath that I believe I’ve been graced with the ability to relate how we as humans live, feel, think, and evolve – whether it is for the good of women or of men.

One thing I have discovered and of which I have become frightfully aware, through my childhood with my mother and sister, through my wives, or through my three daughters:

That women have drawn the short end of the straw in so many ways and it’s time we awaken enough men to stand with our sisters and shout from the rooftops that enough is enough.

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The Pressure to Look “Put Together” — Even When Life Isn’t

From the time they are young, girls are taught that their appearance is a public responsibility. It has not been a choice, it’s not been a preference but instead, it’s been a responsibility.

Women have been expected to:
• look polished
• stay thin
• dress attractively but not “too” attractively
• age slowly
• hide exhaustion
• maintain hair, nails, skin, clothes
• spend time, money, and emotional energy on their presentation

And if they don’t?
They are judged, silently and openly – as though being female requires the paradox of a double life.
And we all know that men are not held to this standard – this is nothing new; men can age, gain weight, show up tired, or look disheveled without it being a reflection of their worth.

Women have not had this ability, and I submit, still cannot. But this is not truly due to vanity, though to many of both sexes it seems as though it is - but the root is because it was and still is - survival.

Interestingly, it’s also not about just what a woman must show their world; it’s also about what so many women have to try to show themselves, or often, more aptly, try to hide from themselves.

Because in their POOL — their earliest emotional learning — women were taught that appearance affects:
• how they are treated
• how they are valued
• how they are respected
• how safe they feel
• how seriously they are taken

But here’s the thing: Women weren’t the only ones taught this.

I grew up in a small town in Vermont as a Black kid in the whitest state in the nation and as the only minority in 2000 square miles, and I remained the only minority until my senior year in high school. Many of the people I met, both children and adults, had already learned (or were actively being taught) that being Black was bad.

Well, guess what? They weren’t the only ones, because based on what I received outside of my home and inside of my home (by being taught I must be a role model and thus be perfect), I also learned that being Black was bad. Unworthy, without benefit, and absolutely “less than”.

Similarly, little girls learned the same way – being a girl was “less than”; boys learned it too. After all, wasn’t the world teaching it in so many ways? Isn’t the world still teaching it now?
• Trad wives?
• Without total control over their bodies?
• Incel movement?
• Are actual political movements trying to teach entire generations that women are to be able to lead?
• Countless other reasons?

If we can allow the world to teach the women in our lives the many aspects that cause them undue effort and pain, can’t real men stand together with the women in our world to begin to teach our world that women deserve equality, peace, and the removal of the double standards of our society? That they are free to dress, weigh, and look how they desire without being dismissed without value?

Everyone – both men and women must acknowledge that there will always be a concept of attraction and desirability by both sexes and in all directions when choosing a mate. But those elements have nothing to do with value, personal worth, and the content of one’s character.

And men, we must understand this:
Women are not “obsessed” with appearance. They are conditioned to believe their safety, acceptance, and belonging depend on it, and that injustice must change.

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The Mental Load: The Invisible Work Women Do Without Recognition

Women as partners or moms carry an invisible checklist in their minds at all times:
• remembering birthdays
• planning meals
• noticing what’s running low
• managing schedules
• anticipating emotional needs
• smoothing social interactions
• keeping peace in the home
• monitoring the emotional climate
• preparing for what might go wrong
• adjusting themselves to avoid conflict

This is not just being organized, this has become a sense of normality and one of the many roles women are expected to fill - and it is exhausting. How do I know as a man? Because I have been honored to have countless women share their stresses with me. Men often don’t see it or choose not to because men have not been conditioned to carry it - women were.

From childhood, girls are taught to:
• anticipate needs
• avoid upsetting others
• manage emotions
• be responsible for harmony
• prevent conflict
• smooth tension
• be “good,” “nice,” “polite,” “considerate.”

This is the POOL in action — the earliest emotional rules shaping adult behavior.

And the FEAR model explains why women internalize this so deeply:
FEAR = Frequent Exposure to Analysis and Rejection

Women learn early that:
• being too loud
• too emotional
• too opinionated
• too assertive
• too messy
• too needy
• too visible
…invites judgment, criticism, dismissal, and rejection.

So they learn to carry the mental load silently — because being overwhelmed is a flaw and asking for help is treated as a weakness.

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The Pressure to Be Everything, Everywhere, All at Once

Women are expected to be:
• nurturing but not needy
• confident but not intimidating
• attractive but not “trying too hard.”
• successful but not threatening
• independent but still accommodating
• strong but never angry
• selfless but never resentful

And when they struggle under these impossible contradictions, society has told them:
“You’re overreacting.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re being dramatic.”
“This is just how it is.”

But it’s not “how it is.”
It’s how women have been conditioned to believe they must be.

And as a man, I can say this with honesty:
Men benefit from women carrying these burdens — even when we don’t realize it; and we must be the ones who stand with our partners, our daughters, our mothers, and say – it’s time we all change.
That’s why men must be part of the solution. And in my strongest belief to the extent it is knowledge:
There can be no true peace, no true tolerance, and no true acceptance in the world until Men and Women are considered equal, not the same, but equal.

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The Emotional Cost of Being Constantly Observed

Women truly live under a microscope.
Their bodies, their choices, their tone, their clothing, their weight, their aging, their parenting, their careers — everything is analyzed; this is truly the origin of fear. And in my coaching, the acronym I developed years ago describes exactly the true origin of the old enemy - fear: Frequent Exposure to Analysis and Rejection.

This is the true origin of fear and the explanation of how it develops. It happens within all humans – as a child, and in the early formative years, we come to quickly understand what our environment and our caretakers teach us by word or model of what will be accepted and what will not be accepted. What behavior is acceptable, and what behavior is unacceptable.

The judgment or analysis we experience during those years not only teach us how to be but teaches us what not to be – if we want to fit in and be considered acceptable or approvable, which happens to be what every child wants. It’s in their structure – it’s part of the stability each child craves; to be accepted and protected, because only those accepted are protected.

Because of all of those early years and the rules of the POOL, young women learn early that:
• their bodies are public commentary
• their choices are open for debate
• their emotions are judged
• their boundaries are questioned
• their confidence is criticized
• their ambition is labeled
• their mistakes are magnified

And men must understand: Women are not being dramatic; they are being observed - constantly.

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A Man’s Perspective: What I’ve Seen, What I’ve Learned, What I Now Understand

As a man who coaches women, listens to women, and has been shaped by the women in my life, I have learned this:

Women are not asking for special treatment - they are asking for equal emotional freedom. And do you know what the real tragedy is in all of that? That women are asking – when they have the right to be demanding it.

They are asking to:
• exist without being judged
• age without being criticized
• speak without being dismissed
• succeed without being resented
• rest without being labeled lazy
• feel without being called emotional
• set boundaries without being punished

And they deserve all of that — not as a gift, but as a right.

Men must stop seeing women’s struggles as “women’s issues.” They are society’s issues – all of our issues and men must be part of the healing, the equalizing, and the empowering.

But it’s not only men – the last few presidential elections have been so revealing that many of the women who have been taught all of these concepts within their belief systems want those traditional roles of subservient women to remain.

There is little that attempting to awaken the closed mind will accomplish but the mind open to truth will always be the mind worthy of conversation.

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Empowerment Is Not About Blame — It’s About Balance

Women do not need men to rescue them - we need men to recognize the imbalance, respect the struggle, and participate in the solution.

Empowerment means:
• valuing women’s emotional labor
• sharing the mental load
• challenging outdated expectations
• respecting women’s boundaries
• listening without defensiveness
• supporting without controlling
• appreciating without objectifying

It means men doing the internal work to unlearn the conditioning that taught us to expect more from women and less from ourselves.

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The Truth: Women Deserve Better Than “Normal”

The pressures women face are not normal, they are inherited, conditioned, learned and unfair. We can change it all.

In 2024 there was a Reddit posting that gathered tremendous attention and went viral. The author posted the question: “As a woman, would you rather be stranded in the woods with a strange man or with a bear?”

The replies were vast and many. One of the things I found fascinating, was not that the majority of women chose to be lost with the bear – but it was the responses of men who claimed such offendedness and professed such injustice at the consideration of men by the countless women who responded. I personally was shocked at the ignorance of the men who couldn’t understand why women would feel the way their responses indicated.

However, as an example of how a person’s perspective can change in an instant when forced to consider a new perspective: When a follow-up post posited the question: “As a man, would you want your wife or daughter stranded in the woods with a strange man or a bear?” Now, the tables turned and the men entirely considered the role of Men in a whole new light.

This is an example of how and why women deserve:
• emotional safety
• equal partnership
• shared responsibility
• freedom from judgment
• space to be human
• room to breathe
• permission to exist without performance

And as men, we must be the ones who say: “I see what you carry. I respect what you been forced to endure and I am committed to doing my part to make your world lighter.”

Because women have carried the weight of expectation long enough - it’s time for men to carry awareness, accountability, and appreciation.


-Dave Jones, CAPTIVE Coaching and Empowerment.