Power Dynamics Within Relationships

Power dynamics show up in every relationship we have — romantic, professional, familial, and even casual. Most people don’t realize how often they’re participating in a subtle (or not‑so‑subtle) struggle for emotional position. But if you’ve ever been in a relationship where it felt like the two of you were constantly jockeying for the lead, you know exactly what this looks like.
It can feel like a childhood game of tug‑of‑war: a constant back‑and-forth, each person pulling for control, influence, or emotional safety. Other times, it feels more like a roller coaster — unpredictable, intense, and exhausting — because the level of emotional force being used by one or both people can shift dramatically from moment to moment. That unpredictability creates adrenaline, and adrenaline creates reactivity. Before long, the relationship becomes defined not by connection, but by the oscillation between tension and temporary calm.
When the Tug‑of‑War Becomes Too Heavy
In most relationships with this dynamic, there comes a point where the struggle becomes too draining for one person to continue. They begin to submit — not out of genuine agreement, but out of emotional fatigue. The other person, consciously or unconsciously, steps into the role of the dominant partner.
Sometimes this arrangement becomes “acceptable” on the surface. The couple may even find a rhythm that looks peaceful from the outside. But internally, resentment begins to form. And resentment is never still. It grows quietly, like water filling a container with a slow leak. Eventually it seeps out — through tone, through withdrawal, through passive‑aggressive comments, through emotional distance.
When resentment begins leaking into the relationship, tranquility is already slipping away. And unless the issue is addressed early, the relationship often begins its slow decline.
So, the real question becomes:
What do we do when this dynamic starts to fester? How do we interrupt it before it destroys the connection?
The Hidden Engine Behind Power Struggles: Fear
One of the most important truths we must understand is this:
Every negative emotion contains fear.
Anger, frustration, defensiveness, resentment, aggression — all of them are fear wearing a different mask.
Most of us were taught from childhood to hide fear. We were told to “be strong,” “don’t let them see you upset,” “don’t be scared,” or “toughen up.” So, we learned to bury fear instead of understanding it. But buried fear doesn’t disappear. It simply becomes the fuel for emotional reactions.
Whenever animosity, irritation, or hostility enters a conversation, fear is present.
Whenever someone becomes aggressive, fear is present.
Whenever someone withdraws, fear is present.
Whenever someone escalates, fear is present.
Fear never improves a relational dynamic. It only intensifies it.
And unless one person backs down — often out of fear of what will happen if they don’t — the conflict escalates until something hurtful is said or done. The greater the fear, the greater the reaction. The more energy someone uses to hide their fear, the more fiercely they will deny it when it’s exposed.
And here’s the part we forget:
The people closest to us already know our vulnerabilities.
We’re not hiding nearly as much as we think we are.
Why Good‑Hearted Women Often Carry the Burden
In many relationships, good‑hearted women — especially those who grew up avoiding conflict — are the ones who back down first. Not because they agree, and not because they’re truly submitting, but because they fear the escalation that might follow if they continue.
But the opposite can also happen:
Sometimes their fear triggers their own escalation. They may raise their voice, push harder, or become more intense — not out of aggression, but out of a subconscious attempt to create fear in the other person first. It’s a protective strategy, even if it doesn’t look like one.
Fear makes us unpredictable.
Fear makes us reactive.
Fear makes us abandon our values in the moment.
And this doesn’t only happen in romantic relationships.
Power Struggles in the Workplace
Imagine a colleague, a direct report, or even a superior speaking to you in a way that triggers frustration, disrespect, or anger. Most people have experienced this — and many have no idea how to respond.
Backing down at work can feel dangerous. You may worry about your reputation, your authority, or how others will perceive you. But pushing back can feel equally risky.
So, what do we do?
The answer is simple in concept and challenging in practice:
The resolution has less to do with the other person and more to do with how deeply we believe we deserve better — and what we’re willing to do to honor that belief.
The Word “Deserve” Has Been Weaponized
“Deserve” is one of the most misunderstood and emotionally loaded words in our language.
Good‑hearted people — especially women — are often taught that what they deserve is tied to their performance, their accomplishments, or their ability to please others. They’re taught that expressing what they deserve is boastful, arrogant, or selfish.
Parents often reinforce this unintentionally, trying to prevent entitlement. But the result is that many good‑hearted people grow up believing:
“I deserve only what I’ve earned.”
“I deserve only what others approve of.”
“I deserve only what doesn’t inconvenience anyone.”
“I deserve only what keeps the peace.”
Meanwhile, people with narcissistic or egocentric tendencies rise into positions of power precisely because they don’t question what they deserve. Their sense of entitlement is unburdened by conscience.
I’m not suggesting good‑hearted people become narcissistic. They couldn’t if they tried.
I’m suggesting they rewrite the definition of deserve.
You are deserving not because of what you’ve done, but because of who you are.
You are deserving because you are good‑hearted.
You are deserving because you seek good for all.
You are deserving because your emotional well‑being matters.
This shift changes everything.
When You Know What You Deserve, Fear Loses Its Power
In my coaching work, when clients finally understand that they get to determine what they deserve — not an invisible judge, not their partner, not their boss, not their past — something profound happens.
It’s like a light turns on inside them.
They often say, “Wait… you mean I get to decide what I deserve?”
Yes.
You always have.
You just weren’t taught that you could.
Most good‑hearted people live as though an invisible observer is grading their behavior, deciding whether they’ve earned love, respect, or peace. But that report card never comes. And the waiting keeps them small.
Once you stop waiting for someone else to validate your worth, conflict changes shape.
Fights become arguments.
Arguments become discussions.
Discussions become conversations.
Conversations become collaboration.
Whether in the boardroom or the bedroom, the dynamic shifts when fear is no longer steering the interaction.
The Heart of It All
Power struggles dissolve when both people feel safe, seen, and deserving.
Fear loses its grip when we acknowledge it and accept our vulnerabilities.
Relationships heal when we stop fighting for the lead and start fighting for understanding.
When you know what you deserve, you no longer need to dominate or submit.
You simply stand — grounded, clear, and emotionally aligned.
And from that place, connection becomes possible again.